Day 9 (continued)

        Gave up on that lady after she didn't answer. Went to punk squat alone.
First band was decent hardcore. Didn't find anyone to talk to in between acts so wandered down the street looking for something to do or someone to meet. Saw a group of Americans walking out of the show and followed them for a minute, considering striking up a conversation.
Didn't. Felt lonely.
Made up a song to comfort myself: "It's a lonely world when you're shy."
        Couldn't get the melody out of my head. Recorded it on my phone. This is how I usually write songs. As I came up with new lines I'd record them in a new file. Kept walking up and down the incredibly long and steep hill, looking for a friendly person.
Found a bookstore having an opening party or release show or something! Hooray! A party!
They had this amazing mural on the wall outside:

Everyone was drinking free wine but it looked like they all knew each other and I didn't know what to say and my French just isn't good enough to talk without irritating people so I walked in and looked at their books. Found this amazing book:

Had been trying to remember Henry Darger's name for 4 days but had no internet access available to check.
        Considered buying it but it weighed about 10 kg and cost 80 Euros. Staff told me they were about to close and I asked if they had any other Darger books. They looked it up and said there weren't any others in French. I said I'd like one in English and they said "but you speak French!" which was nice. I waved thanks when another customer appeared. I went back to the venue.
        Next band was what every young girl makes fun of: Old men (they were probably b/w 40 and 50) playing metal/grunge exactly how they did 25 years ago. I kept imagining them rehearsing in their guitarist's garage while his wife took the kids somewhere. The singer looked like he'd been a drug addict for 35 years. I felt sad for them, then sadder for me because I'll be in a band like that soon (if I'm not already.)
        I stood alone for their whole set then wandered off again. Went to Guilhem's bar around the corner and borrowed his phone to call that girl again. No answer again. Felt awkward imposing while he worked, felt awkward calling her again, felt awkward being in a bar where people hang out so naturally, felt awkward having nowhere to go at all afterwards. Wandered down the street, writing more lines of "It's a Lonely, Lonely World" and recording them into my phone. Saw this amazing graffiti on a closed business:

Every so often I'd ask strangers "avez-vous l'heure?" and they'd tell me "ten o clock" or whatever because my accent was so thick, I guess. These were the only interactions I could find.
        I went back to the squat again. Next band were okay hardcore. I went back to Guilhem's bar and called that girl one more time. Left her a message saying I'm giving up. Wandered around more. Didn't find anything. Couldn't help but think of the loneliness of The Television Personalities "Diary of a Young Man".
        Wished I'd gone to Swans with my friend. Or done anything with someone else.
Almost didn't go back to the squat. Asked someone what the headliner (Lazare) is like. They said they're awesome hardcore. I figured I'd check it out.
        Holy shit, Lazare had the roughest pit I've ever seen. Not all, but several of the guys walked around the periphery of the room literally punching each person in the face, one by one.
I expected someone to tell them to stop, but the bouncer just joined in and did it too!
Many of the crowd just kicked the air randomly, hard, which meant a lot of direct hits on unsuspecting audience members.
I ended up against the far back wall, next to the teenage girls.
        Actually, there were 2 teenage girls up front in the pit, holding their own while huge 20-something guys went crazy. I was not proud to be able to handle less than they could, but was proud to live in a society where that sort of thing happens. Good show
        The only woman at the show from the beginning was dancing beautifully and freely, then this older man hit on her and I thought, "gross, but we were all thinking of doing that, just too proud to actually try."
        Later, I noticed her and said "j'aime quand tu danser" and got my first good look at her.
I realized she is probably older than me and is also a burn victim, her face was all scarred and plastic-like. I immediately changed my judgment of the guy who'd danced with her.
        I asked her where the bathroom was and she pointed to a small door in the side of the building where I encountered one of the grossest toilets I'd ever seen

"Squat" is right!
        Outside the venue, I saw a black guy (only one there) in a wheelchair getting filmed by two guys' cameraphones, while the same badass lady I saw yesterday talked to him. I wasn't sure why they were filming him, maybe he's famous.
        During Lazare's set he rolled his chair into the middle of the pit and I realized he has cerebral palsy or Parkinson's, but it didn't stop him from moshing by rolling his automated wheelchair back and forth into people in the pit, while everyone moshed around him, somehow never knocking him over.
        That badass drunk lady from yesterday kept flashing him her tits and pretending to jerk him off and I realized they were making fun of his disability like Wesley Willis fans.
I should've talked to more people, maybe.